|
A tomato family is walking down the road. Baby tomato is lagging behind. Daddy tomato falls back with her, slaps her on the back and says, "KETCHUP!"
========
Farmers Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying:
"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!," and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted, "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash.
Fred looked quizzically at Luke... "Do you think we should just put up a sign that says: 'Bridge Out' instead?"
PRAYING GRACE
A 4-year old boy was asked to give thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the cool whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked...
"If I thank God for the broccoli, won't He know that I'm lying?"
COMMITMENT
A chicken and pig were walking past a church one day, discussing the problems of world hunger. The chicken suggested that between her species and the pig's, they could provide everyone in the world with a good breakfast of bacon and eggs every morning. The pig thought long and hard about this, before replying... "That's okay for you, because from you that's only a CONTRIBUTION, from me that's TOTAL COMMITMENT!"
BLOOPERS
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”
"The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus."
"Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to conflict.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night will be a potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
THE DEAD MULE
A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.
They explained, "Since there was no health threat you'll need to call the Sanitation Department."
When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor."
The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't your job to bury the dead?"
The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response. The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, "Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, BUT I always like to notify the next of kin first!"
THE ANSWER
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back: Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
|
|
